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why?

N95 my life - 031421



Why am i doing this?  Why do I want to fade into the woodwork as just another being that is noticed for the moment, but not worth staying and noticing deeper than that?

Honestly and simply.  I gave away almost all fucks that I care about what unimportant others think of me.  I am, for the most part, a nobody.  If I died tomorrow, it would not be in the news (unless the manner of death was too sensational to pass up).   I will not have an obituary in the paper.

Most of the world, like over 99.9999999999%, are unimportant in the sense of they have no awareness of my existence.  They are very important as individual people deserving agency, justice, equality, and love. But as for me, when I fade away, they have never known of my existence and it is very boastful to think they every would.

So, with that out of the way, why???

I gave up on humanity* (and that country called America) in the past decade and this last year sealed it.  I am thankful we have a new regime to replace the bad old one, but the changes needed are not going to happen.  The environment is fucked.  Social progress and justice are stalled and retreating.   The country and world are so divided and we will be fighting over the dwindling resources.  We are not going to get out of this one.  

I don’t have kids and I am thankful I didn’t whelp any.  I have none I need to worry about for their future.  My nieces are smart and will figure out their future.  I am sad that is will be so fucked up though.  Maybe by really only focusing on what matters, I can help give them resources to get them a bit through life.

I gave up on the world and I don’t mind if it gives up on me.  I am happy to fade into woodwork of life and enjoy my time, try to help in small ways, try to minimize my damage, and love those close to me.

*There are few humans I deeply love and care for, like, or at least respect and appreciate.  I have hope for them, but humanity is worse than a virus.  More on that later.  







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