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N95 my life - 031421 Why am i doing this?  Why do I want to fade into the woodwork as just another being that is noticed for the moment, but not worth staying and noticing deeper than that? Honestly and simply.  I gave away almost all fucks that I care about what unimportant others think of me.  I am, for the most part, a nobody.  If I died tomorrow, it would not be in the news (unless the manner of death was too sensational to pass up).   I will not have an obituary in the paper. Most of the world, like over 99.9999999999%, are unimportant in the sense of they have no awareness of my existence.  They are very important as individual people deserving agency, justice, equality, and love. But as for me, when I fade away, they have never known of my existence and it is very boastful to think they every would. So, with that out of the way, why??? I gave up on humanity* (and that country called America) in the past decade and this last year sealed it.  I am...

Last year I was finally able to name one of the types of privileges I live with.  I call it living under the radar (utr) and being safe invisible . I am tall, well over 6 feet and big, over 250 lbs. I am white.  I am upper middle-aged.  I am cis male.  Those characteristics alone make me the picture boy of white male privilege and the patriarchy of America. I first really noticed this 8 years ago walking in Manhattan. I was walking down the sidewalk through one of the infamous sea of humanity scenes we associate with New York.  Ahead of me by forty feet was a woman about 5 feet tall wearing a red coat you could not miss.  I watched her walk through the crowd.  She had to bob, weave, stop, and dash ahead to get around people and avoid collisions. All this while wearing a red coat, you could see three blocks away.   I was wearing a dark grey wool coat and brown pants.  As I walked, I rarely had to move out of the straight line I walked. ...